so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
