Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
