Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
