So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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