Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
