he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
