I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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