I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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