I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
