Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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