Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
