I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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