Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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