I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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