I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
