so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
