Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
