I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
