no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
