I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize