i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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