i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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