I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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