Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
