Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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