Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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