Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there was a trapeze. enough said
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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