dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize