i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
