I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do vagina's smell?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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