if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
