I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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