i just sent this text using only my big toe
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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