What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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