you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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