"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
