there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
