She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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