Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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