Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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