I want to have your abortion
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
