I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
