if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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