Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
