Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
