omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
