So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
