can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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