There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
