sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
