If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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