Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
