Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
