it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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