I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
