Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
