Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
