her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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